Milspouse Confession: I Feel Like My Life is Somewhere Else.
It’s been a year and a half since my military husband and I last PCS’ed.
Assuming our orders are issued on schedule, we’re now half way through our tour. The tour that took us halfway around the world to Guam.
I’ve gone through post PCS homesickness and unemployment and come out on the other side. I’ve found a new friends and local hangs. We even grew our family one puppy.
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But the thing is, deep down I feel like my real life is somewhere else.
That this current duty station is just a purgatory until I get to go home. That one day I’ll wake from this dream.
Recently I was sick, the type of sick that makes you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat twisted in your bed sheets. I was nauseous and in pain and contemplating whether I needed to go to the ER.
And as I suffered in a fever state, I teetered on the edge of a panic attack with just one thing on my mind…that I might not make the trip home.
Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life from a far.
My life feels fragmented. I’m not sure if it’s here or a flight away.
I’ve missed helping my best friend from college plan her wedding. And my step dad’s retirement. I’ve missed the birth of 3 babies (the whole pregnancies actually) including my nephew.
So I partition the time.
Two months until I’m stateside. A year and a half until we get new orders. Nine years until my military husband can retire… And we can finally move back to the home we bought in the place where I’m from.
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But I can’t help but wonder, to how may people, and at how many military bases will I lose pieces of myself along the way?
Have you ever been struck by feelings like this?